So You Want to Get the Girl

Part 1 of many of a series on dating.

I

Lots of my men-friends seem to have the silliest problems with women. You know, in the classical boy-meets-girl kind of way that humans have been having problems for all of time. I mean, I guess I can understand it. I’ve been there. I’ve done that. I’ve had my fair share of girl problems in the past, but I think I’ve gotten past most of it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not claiming to be a wizard of women here, but I do pretty darn well in the ladies department, so I thought I’d share my thoughts on the whole thing.

DISCLAIMER: The following essays are collections of tips, techniques, and mindsets which have historically worked well for me. I’m not trying to generalize women here, but I think you would be hard-pressed to find someone who can’t imagine this working. It’s not rocket science, and I think it generalizes very well to most of human relationships. That’s pretty cool, right?

DOUBLE DISCLAIMER: Allow me to use a golfing metaphor, even though I have absolutely no idea about how golf works. Actually, maybe using a metaphor about something I don’t understand isn’t a very good move in the preface to my treatise on how lots of people don’t understand dating. Whatever. So anyway, in my mind, game exists in two forms. There’s the short, where you’re starting on the green and trying to get it in in as few moves as possible. The short game is about scoring.

HOLD ON, I’M STILL GETTING TO THE DISCLAIMER: In sharp contrast to this, however, is the long game. The long game is slower, it’s more thought out, and it’s played not because you’re trying to score, but because you love the game. It’s about competition against yourself, to always be improving your skills because you’re genuinely having a good time.

HERE IT COMES: This essay is about long game. I have absolutely no short game, and I am entirely disinterested in developing it. The information herein probably is applicable to short game, but if I’ve done my job correctly you won’t care. Long game is where the magic lies.

So let’s get started, shall we?

I.V: An Aside

Wait. Before we get started, I want to take a second and talk about Taylor Series. What’s a Taylor Series, you might ask? Great question. If you’re not asking that, you can skip down a few paragraphs to the reason why I’m bringing them up. For the rest of you:

So there was this guy named Taylor, right? He did math. And he noticed that if you took any arbitrary, super complicated mathematical function, you could decompose it into a bunch (well, technically, infinitely many) other, really simple mathematical functions. And it turns out that as you add these simple functions together, they get closer and closer to the really complicated one you started with.

What’s perhaps more interesting (and certainly more useful) about these simpler functions, is that the ones you find first are the ones which matter the most. The first simple functions give you most of the shape of what you’re trying to model, and the higher order ones simply refine it.

This means that we can get a pretty good approximation of arbitrarily complicated things in real life with relatively little effort. If you’re not amazed right now, you should be.

If you’re not all that into math, it turns out that this shows up all the time in what’s known as the Pareto principle, or by the 80-20 rule. It states that you can get 80% of the value from 20% of the work. It’s really cool stuff, ok?

So what does a Taylor Series have to do with getting girls? What I’m presenting here are the simple functions which I add together to work my magic. They’re presented from most important to least.

What I’ve found is the most common failure mode to anything is attempting to bite off more than you can chew, trying to juggle all of it and failing, and erroneously attributing it to bad advice, rather than realizing that you are trying to concentrate on too many things at once. Then you’ll convince yourself that these super-helpful principles are flawed, and you’ll ruin your love life forever.

So don’t do that, OK? Fair warning. Go slow. Start from the top and work on one at a time.

II: WOMEN ARE PEOPLE TOO

Your mindset going forward in dating is by far the most important aspect of being successful. In the terminology of pickup artistry, this is known as your “inner game” – it doesn’t matter how successful you are on the outside if you aren’t expecting to be successful.

Since the mindset is so important, we’re going to sit down and talk a lot about it. If you’re particularly unsuccessful in your long-game, this is probably the reason why – especially so if your short-game works, even if it’s only once in a while.

So let’s talk mindset. There are a few distinct topics that need be discussed, the most important of which is:

WOMEN ARE PEOPLE TOO.

No, seriously. This is a big idea. What’s more is you probably already believe that you know this, even if you don’t. Let’s do a quick thought experiment, shall we?

Imagine you’re at a party, thrown by a beautiful friend of a friend. She’s absolutely gorgeous – definitely a 10. You’re really excited about getting to meet her tonight, but as you’re working out what you’re going to say, a cute blonde (maybe a six) across the room catches your eye and smiles. What do you do?

If you didn’t just shudder in a fit of disgust, then you probably don’t already believe that women are people too¹. Why do I say that? Because I just caught you objectifying women: you let yourself be fooled into thinking you can describe a woman with a single number. We’ll talk more about this later.

Women are people too. They have hopes and dreams and interests and fears and insecurities and imperfections just like you and me and everyone else. Yes, they have some differences in the neurochemical department, and no, you’re not always going to understand what’s going through their heads, but please give them the benefit of the doubt that it makes sense to them.

So, first things first. If you have ever caught yourself using the word “perfect” to describe a woman, stop it. No, she’s not. She’s just as fucked up and broken as you and everyone else are. Seriously. Women are people too. Take them off the pedestal and acknowledge them as such.

This one point is the biggest hurdle you will ever encounter in the strange, mysterious land of dating. If you can’t get passed this, I can strongly guarantee it’s not going to end pretty.

III: KNOW YOURSELF

So you want to get the girl.

Wait. DO you want to get the girl?

Here’s a really important question to ask yourself. Why are you chasing this girl? If your answer is “because she’s hot”, you shouldn’t be chasing this girl.

<aside>this 1-10 system that men seem to have picked up is complete and utter bullshit. It’s objectification, and it’s how I caught you not realizing that women are people too in the last section. Instead, you should be using a binary system. A 0 or 1 that represents whether or not you are attracted on a purely physical level. There is no scale of how attracted you are, just whether or not you are in the first place. You’ll find this will probably improve your confidence around women you would have previously placed towards the higher end of the scale. She’s no longer a 10 – she’s a 1, and you’ve got lots of practice with 1s.</aside>

Getting back to it, the only reason you should be chasing this girl is because you genuinely enjoy her company. Far too often people ask themselves “how do I make this person like me”, when they should in fact be asking “do I like this person?”. That might sound ridiculous, but I guarantee you that at least one reader’s mind was just BLOWN OUT OF THEIR MINDSKULL.

Most people have a list of dating dealbreakers: things that they will absolutely not put up with in a partner. As long as someone isn’t filtered out by the dealbreakers, they’re a viable romantic candidate. Please tell me you understand the implication of this. It’s not a good strategy for success in the long-game.

Instead, make a list of dealmakers: things that you can’t live without in a partner, and then filter by this. You’ll get fewer matches, but you’ll get much, much better matches. It’s kind of like the opposite of Tinder, really.

I can imagine the average reader feeling confounded right now. What if you’re not looking for the romantic love of your life? Isn’t it cool to lower your standards then? No!

Remember, long-game isn’t necessarily about getting into a relationship. It’s about building a network of people whose company you genuinely enjoy, who are comfortable with you, and whom you find attractive. It’s about actively building friends, because friends are things you make with other people, and remember, women are people too. Don’t worry about getting friend-zoned just yet. We’ll talk about that later.

IV: SET BOUNDARIES

The next step is to revisit that list of dealbreakers. Remember, you’ve already filtered the women into those who are highly compatible with you. Keeping that in mind, you don’t want to be too picky here, but now it’s time to set some standards for yourself. This is basically a sanity check to make sure that you identify big problems before they become big problems.

So make a list of characters you’re absolutely unwilling to put up with. “Being manipulative” and “starting drama” should definitely be on this list. Personally, I really value not having my time wasted, and so “punctuality” is also on my list.

If you ever catch a potential partner violating something on this list, you should inform her that it is not something up with which you usually put, and to please refrain from continuing to do so. Remember, your list isn’t a list of minor annoyances, it’s things you absolutely can not deal with. Also remember, women are people too, so don’t be an asshole about it.

But, you are fully justified to cut this person out of your life if you find she is continually engaging in said behavior without remorse. I’ve walked out in the middle of a first date for having my list intentionally violated thrice, even after my most polite inquisition to not. Just because you’re on a date doesn’t mean you need to continue being on a date if you’re not having a good time.

This is a surprisingly powerful tactic. People want belonging, in all forms. One of those forms is belonging to a group of people worthy of spending time with you. By setting your boundaries high you are signaling that you can afford to be picky, which is to say you are highly valued, which is to say you have high value. You will find women will often chase after you once you have showed your willingness to just walk away if they don’t meet your standards. Use your discretion to determine whether or not they’ll actually change their behavior before letting them back into your inner circle.

Setting boundaries exploits the old adage of “people want what they can’t have”, except that we’re trying our best to not be assholes about it.

V: DON’T DO OTHERS’ JOBS FOR THEM

Our final topic in this first primer to dating is a license to be a little less selfless. Which is to say a little more selfish. Kind of. Let me explain.

If you are not in the habit of asking for the things you want in life, you are going to fail at life. Sounds harsh, but it’s true. It’s an unfortunate fact of the universe that people are not simply going to give you the things you want.

Believe it or not, it’s not because these people are assholes. It’s because they have no idea what you want. You haven’t told them yet! You’d be surprised at how flexible most people can be about what they’re willing to give you. You just need the courage to tell them about it first.

A very common failure mode here is thinking to yourself “I know that they’ll just say no, so really there is no point in asking at all.” That might be true (though it probably isn’t), but the way I look at this is that it’s their job to say no if they’re disinterested.

It’s not my job to say no for them, and it’s not your job either. Give people the common courtesy of not putting words in their mouths. If they’re going say no to you, make them do it themselves. People can be surprisingly kind about saying no, and almost everyone will show regret in needing to do so. Very few people are actively trying to be assholes.

This applies everywhere in life, but it really applies to your long-game. Ask people out on dates. Ask them to do that weird kinky stuff you’ve always been afraid to ask. You’ve got needs and face it, you’re looking for someone to help dissolve them. Ask for help! You never know what might happen!

VI: A WORD ON “CONFIDENCE”

A lot of dating advice seems to resolve around the concept of “being confident”.

What a fat load of help that is! If you’re not already confident, being told to be really isn’t going to help you in the least. The problem is that it isn’t actionable. There are no pragmatic steps you can take to go from being unconfident to being confident.

Just kidding. Fooled you! If you’ve successfully managed to install the above habits into your behavior, you’ve hacked confidence. You’re officially winning in the confidence game! You might not be 100% there, but this is a definite set of skills to begin building more in the right order.

All of the key components are here: setting boundaries, knowing what you want, and asking for it. The only thing that’s left is experience, and now that you’re a stud, that will come quickly.

You might have just stopped in your tracks: “a ‘stud’? Is this strange man on the internet pandering to me?”

No. I’m not. This is literally all the mental infrastructure you need to be successful with women. If you begin to think of yourself as a stud, before you know it, you will be a stud. The power of mindsets is absolutely incredible. So please, trust me when I say this is all you need, at least on a meta-level.

This post details the strategy behind the long-game. Next week we will discuss the tactics behind such – which is to say, actionable advice you can say and do that will help in the dating department. But don’t let that stop you from getting started now. You already know the important stuff; the rest is just improv.

Go out and get the girl!