Major Houlihan arose. “I wonder,” she asked, “how anyone like you reaches such a position of responsibility in the Army Medical Corps.” “Honey,” answered Hawkeye, “if I knew the answer to that I sure as hell wouldn’t be here.”
“Be nice, Captain. Call the X-ray technician. If you give us any kind of a bad time, me and Trapper John are going to clean your clock. We are frustrated lovers and quite dangerous
“And by the way, Radar,” Hawkeye said, “stop by The Swamp tomorrow for a bottle of Scotch.” “Thank you, sir,” Radar said. “That’s very kind of you, sir, but you were thinking of two.” “OK,” said Hawkeye. “You’re right, and you’ve got two.”
“Listen, Pierce,” Henry said. “There’s a Korean kid in preop with a hot appendix. Who’s going to take it out?” “You are,” Trapper John said, rolling over in his sack. “Why me?” Henry said. “Because,” Trapper mumbled, “although you are a leader of men, there are no men left.”
I seem to be a little overextended these days, but I’ll get over it. I can be a little nutty now and then, but I ain’t a nut.” “I know you’re not,” Dago Red said, “but you people in The Swamp have got to get over the idea that you can save everyone who comes into this hospital. Man is mortal. The wounded can stand only so much, and the surgeon can do only so much.” “Red, that lousy can’t-win-’em-all philosophy is no good.
“Trapper,” Hawkeye said, “why do you always have to call her ‘Hot-Lips’?” “I don’t always have to call her ‘Hot-Lips.’ This morning I was nice to her. I called her ‘Major Hot-Lips’.”
“Think the broads might like some tea?” wondered Trapper John in a stage whisper. “They ain’t broads,” answered Hawkeye. “They’re two sergeants and a lieutenant.” “Which are higher, sergeants or captains?” inquired the Duke. “Do we outrank them?” “I dunno,” said Trapper. “Even if they outrank us, they might like some tea,” said Hawkeye.
“Hey, Duke,” he asked, “whadda ya know about mermaids?”
“Hey, Duke,” he asked, “whadda ya know about mermaids?” “Nothin’,” Duke assured him.
“Certainly if there are mermaids in this river, we’d be just plain foolish not to grab a few of them.” “How y’all gonna catch a mermaid?” asked Duke. “In a mermaid trap, naturally,” said the Hawk.
“Yeah. He reminds me of my old man.” “I see,” said Major Haskell. “Now perhaps we are getting somewhere. In what way does he remind you of your father?” “He doesn’t play tennis.” “Why doesn’t your father play tennis?” Major Haskell asked, sort of by reflex, and regretted the question even before the answer.
“Oops!” Trapper said, as Henry looked up. “Wrong address. This must be some kind of Shinto shrine.” “Looks like it,” Hawkeye said. “Pardon us, oh Holy Man.”
“Nobody’s handing out any medals,” Spearchucker said, “but there are so goddamn many phonies around. The worst are the types who knock themselves out to show you that your color doesn’t make any difference, and if it wasn’t for your color they wouldn’t pay any attention to you. They’re part of the black man’s burden, too.”
“What do you mean?” Henry said. “I mean,” Hawkeye said, “that the Duke and I are two of the three biggest screwups over here, or four if you count Roger the Dodger…” “I don’t count him,” Henry said. “I don’t even think of him, and if that sonofabitch comes around here again I’m gonna have him shot on sight.”
The recruits, being polite, listened and, being intelligent, learned. They had both, however, been born and bred, as well as formally educated, to be fastidious, so the shucking of old habits did not come easily.