‘Jeeves,’ I said, ‘have you ever pondered on Life?’ ‘From time to time, sir, in my leisure moments.’
To-day he looked more editorial then ever; so, shelving my own worries for the nonce, I endeavoured to cheer him up by telling him how much I had enjoyed his last issue. As a matter of fact, I hadn’t read it, but we Woosters do not shrink from subterfuge when it is a question of bracing up a buddy.
The treatment was effective. He showed animation and verve.
I began to grasp the posish. The whole trouble with these fellows like Sippy, who go in for writing, is that they develop the artistic temperament, and you never know when it is going to break out.
Tuck that away in a corner of the mind, Jeeves, and absorb the rest of the facts.
‘You want time to think, eh?’ ‘Yes, sir.’ ‘Take it, Jeeves, take it. You may feel brainier after a night’s sleep. What is it Shakespeare calls sleep, Jeeves?’ ‘Tired Nature’s sweet restorer, sir.’ ‘Exactly. Well, there you are, then.’
Now, setting a booby-trap for a respectable citizen like a head master (even of an inferior school to your own) is not a matter to be approached lightly and without careful preparation. I don’t suppose I’ve ever selected a lunch with more thought than I did that day. And after a nicely-balanced meal, preceded by a couple of dry Martinis, washed down with half a bot. of a nice light, dry champagne, and followed by a spot of brandy, I could have set a booby-trap for a bishop.
‘Mr Sipperley had had a nasty accident, sir.’ ‘He had?’ ‘Yes, sir.’ ‘Rummy coincidence. I mean, after what you were saying this morning.’ ‘Not altogether, sir. Before telephoning to Miss Moon, I took the further liberty of striking Mr Sipperley a sharp blow on the head with one of your golf-clubs, which was fortunately lying in a corner of the room. The putter, I believe, sir.
As Shakespeare says, if you’re going to do a thing you might just as well pop right at it and get it over.
What the misguided girl finds to attract her in young Tuppy, I cannot say, Jeeves, and you cannot say. But apparently she loves the man—which shows it can be done, a thing I wouldn’t have believed myself
Aix-les-Bains
I give you fair warning that, if he tells me I have a face like a fish, I shall clump his head.’ ‘Bertie!’ cried the Wickham, contorted with anguish and apprehension and what not. ‘Yes, I shall.’ ‘Then you’ll simply ruin the whole thing.’ ‘I don’t care. We Woosters have our pride.’ ‘Perhaps the young gentleman will not notice that you have a face like a fish, sir,’ suggested Jeeves. ‘Ah! There’s that, of course.’
Tell me, were you always like this, or did it come on suddenly?’ ‘Sir?’ ‘The brain. The grey matter. Were you an outstandingly brilliant boy?’ ‘My mother thought me intelligent, sir.’ ‘You can’t go by that. My mother thought me intelligent.
‘I’m glad you grasp the point so readily, Wooster. You are not the fool people take you for.’ ‘Who takes me for a fool?’ The Pim raised his eyebrows slightly. ‘Don’t people?’
‘Should the Slingsby require refreshment, feed her in moderation.’ ‘Very good, sir.’ ‘And, in poisoning Mr Pim’s soup, don’t use arsenic, which is readily detected. Go to a good chemist and get something that leaves no traces.’
The spirit of the Woosters is a buoyant spirit, and optimism had begun to reign again in the W. bosom.
‘She—what?’ ‘“Feckless idiot” was one of the expressions she employed, sir.’ ‘Feckless idiot?’ ‘Yes, sir.’ I couldn’t make it out. I simply couldn’t see what the woman had based her judgement on. My Aunt Agatha has frequently said that sort of thing about me, but she has known me from a boy.
A quart of assorted roses, a few smiles, a tactful word or two, and she’ll have melted before you know where you are. Play your cards properly, and you and Beatrice will be laughing merrily and having a game of Round and Round the Mulberry Bush together in about five minutes.
‘Possibly you omitted to keep your eye on the ball with sufficient assiduity, sir?’
There’s no doubt about it, being a policeman warps a man’s mind and ruins that sunny faith in his fellow human beings which is the foundation of a lovable character